Acceptance

Most believe that to accept is to surrender. 

I think that’s a load of shit.

When negative emotions weasel their way into our conscious, our initial reaction is to wish them away. Although this is a natural reaction, it is also thoughtless. 

I can tell what you’re thinking already… “You can’t decide how you react to something, it just happens.”

Well, that’s where you’re wrong.

In an article on his website, author Mark Manson discusses the problems that arise due to emotional reactions, and how to thwart them. Manson proposes that instead of attempting to control our emotions, we should seek to control the meaning behind the feeling.

He suggests that our feelings don’t necessarily mean anything on their own - they mean whatever we allow them to mean. Feelings are; self-contained, temporary and inaccurate, yet as a society we struggle to separate the significance from the emotion. 

Granted, this isn’t an ability we are born with, or taught with any degree of knowledge. However it is a crucial skill when trying to assess a feeling’s validity. Not only in our assessment of it’s affect on our mood, but in our decision on how to act.

The problem with understanding this, is that we believe our emotions to be everlasting. However, there are theories to suggest that human’s have a ‘baseline’ of happiness. Receiving positive information may cause a temporary spike of satisfaction, whilst negative information may cause a drop, but we will almost always return to our baseline.

Just because a negative emotion is present currently, does not always mean that it will be there forever. Accepting it’s existence - rather than frantically attempting to remove or ignore the issue - allows us to gather our thoughts before coming up with the best course of action.

This is where another societal misconception has developed. 

Most believe that acceptance is a sign of weakness. However, I believe the weakness they are referring to, is related to a lack of subsequent action.

Just because you have accepted a situation or feeling, does not mean that you have surrendered to it. It means you have accepted it’s existence. The action that you take to rectify, reassess or cope with the information presented, is what determines your level of emotional strength.

Take a decision by someone close to you, that may impact you in a negative sense. Just because you accept their decision as ‘right for them’, doesn’t mean that you can’t take self-benefitting action after the fact. 

Allowing an emotion’s existence is not the same as being passive or helpless.

Accepting an emotion’s presence provides a mentally shift, from “I should be strong enough deal with this fear” to “Oh look, I’m fearful of that happening”.

Understanding how your body reacts to these situations, can help you decide how to proceed. 

For example:

I can sometimes neglect social connectivity. I spend a lot of time with my thoughts, and often get lost in my own head. This eventually leads to feelings of anxiety, and physical symptoms such as; headaches and tremors. Having experienced this quite a lot in the past, I now know the cause and how to alleviate the symptoms. 

The only way to gain this understanding is through practise. Now that I’m aware of what these feelings mean, I am able to take positive steps toward their removal. 

This is a concept used in Mindfulness-based Cognitive Therapy know as ‘decentering’. Becoming aware and accepting these thoughts and emotions, without attaching or reacting to them. The process aims to aid individuals in detaching themselves from self-criticism, over-thinking and feeling of anxiety/depression.

Our current thoughts surrounding emotions, tend to drag these three pillars to the surface, leading us to treat them as constants that are out of our control. 

We feel, therefore we judge.

Perhaps once the concept of acceptance is brought to light through the teachings of CBT and MCBT, we can begin to think about our emotions in a completely different way.

We think, therefore we accept.

Impostor syndrome

Have you ever felt like all the good stuff that’s happened in your life, was all a bit of a fluke? Even though you know deep down that you’ve worked hard to get where you are, you don’t allow yourself to get hung up on it?

“Siri, define: Impostor syndrome”

“The persistent inability to believe that ones success is deserved or has been legitimately achieved as a result of one’s own efforts or skills.”

I don’t know about you, but since I turned 16 I’ve often felt like a fraud. Any accomplishments I gained - regardless of the effort I put into achieve them - felt more like a result of luck than talent. 

For example: 

Every single job I’ve ever applied for, I’ve been offered. 

With the knowledge I have now, looking at that sentence makes me pretty proud. Prior to that knowledge, I was crippled by the feeling that I’d just struck lucky - right place, right time. 

**Side note: I don’t believe it’s a bad thing to get turned down for a potential job opportunity. I actually think it’s a constructive way finding out your weak spots, whilst gaining valuable experience.**

My mind passed it off as being ‘humble’, but it wasn’t anything like that. I was under the impression that I didn’t actually deserve what was being offered. I didn’t think I had the qualities they were looking for. I didn’t think any of the interviews went well. I took no positives from any of the experiences I had, and yet I still got the job. 

“I guess I’m just lucky.”

There are some that believe this psychological pattern only applies to the successful elite, which to me couldn’t be further from the truth. Regardless of societal hierarchies, anyone who has felt crippling doubts about their abilities - especially whilst being praised for their achievements - are going through the same emotional experience. The intensity may differ depending on circumstance, but the emotions felt are the same.

Anyone who has experienced this phenomenon will know exactly what I mean. It’s so difficult to put your finger on why you think the way you do, but for the purpose of this post, I had a go.

As situations and circumstances alter, our confidence levels follow suit. This is especially true during social interactions. 

For example:

If I was sat in a room with a group of strangers and forced to create conversation, my confidence in taking part would be low. However, if I was sat in a room with a group of football fans who happened to be strangers, my confidence in contributing to conversation would heighten. 

Although the structure of the interaction would be the same, my confidence rose on account of my love for football. 

Without my knowledge, a belief has been forged in my mind when it comes to discussions involving people who I have no prior relationship. 

‘Unless I have a passion for the topic of discussion, I have almost nothing to contribute.’

When I view that sentence in the cold light of day, I realise how silly it is. Yet, it’s a belief that I’ve never been able to shake. 

Applying these thoughts to my achievements, opened my mind to some of the other situational biases I’ve created. 

For example:

During the summer, my Sunday league football team held their annual awards night. 

I arrived in the belief that I’d had a difficult year, and my performances on a Sunday morning reflected that. 

I was under no illusions about the potential of receiving an award, and was looking forward to the social aspect rather than the presentation itself. I ended up being given the most improved player award. 

Stunned would be an understatement.

When people congratulated me, I replied with the exact same word in the exact same way.

“Cheers”, whilst holding a face of bemusement. 

I didn’t know what else to say I mean, I was shit? 

There was loads of people who’d improved more than me. 

Yet the weird thing was, when I told my family I’d won an award, I did it with a smile on my face. It was like I was able to appreciate how hard I’d worked once the pressure of the situation had been removed. It was almost as if my mind was allowing me - just for a split second - to realise that I’d done well.

I know I know, it’s a pretty small achievement, but it shows that these biases exist. 

I also believe that another contributor is other people’s consideration of your opinion. 

Everyone likes being asked for their two cents worth, because it makes us feel like our thoughts are valued. However, if we begin to feel like our opinion isn’t being taken into consideration, our confidence around those people diminishes. This causes us to feel anxious whenever we’re in the presence of these people, and eventually leads us to believing that their lack of consideration is warranted.

Take this scenario:

Your boss invites you to a meeting to discuss a future task he’d like you to complete. You go into his office to discover that he’s already put together what you’re going to do, how you’re going to do it and who is going to assist you. After attempting to contribute to the planning process, you feel like your ideas and thoughts have been disregarded by your manager, who seems hell bent on doing things his own way. You leave feeling dejected and disinterested with the task at hand.

Now tell me something, the next time your boss invites you to a meeting, how are you going to feel?

For starters the feelings of the previous meeting will recur, along with the procrastinatory tendencies of someone looking for a way out. 

Barring a miraculous change in approach from your manager, your mind will always go back to that first meeting. All future engagements will come with the repetitive side order of anxiety, until you eventually start to believe that their inconsiderate nature is justified. You become so used to being told what to do and how to do it, that you struggle to offer your opinion in other areas of your life. 

I believe this is where the ‘yes man’, comes from. Not because the individual is a ‘pushover’, but because their initiative has been mismanaged. Their confidence has been suppressed to the point that the thought of maintaining a preference or opinion, brings nothing but apprehension. 

Truth be told, I’m not really sure how to gain control over this internalised fear - or if it’s even possible. 

Ever since I came to grips with my propensity to down-play my achievements, I’ve attempted to implement different methods for reducing the impact that impostor syndrome has on my choices. 

I’ve found that; investing time into development/learning, removing sources of self-doubt and questioning my own thoughts, have been of most benefit in terms of reducing the feelings of uncertainty. 

But in all honesty, I’m not really sure if this is something that we can ever truly let go of. 

Maybe we’re meant to have periods of self-doubt. 

Maybe we’re suppose to question our abilities, every once in a while.

Maybe confidence comes down to perception.

If you are perceived to be confident by others; is that all that matters?

Improvements don’t come in a steady incline

“If it was easy, everyone would do it.”

How many times have you heard this, after spending 10 minutes explaining that you’re finding something difficult? I’m guessing a fair few. Although it may not seem supportive, nor helpful, our audience are conveying a very simple and important message.

Change is difficult, get used to it.

We as humans have the irrational belief that the process of improvement is linear. Deciding what you want to improve is the start point, improving in that area is the end point, with a steady rising gradient connecting the two. It’s a lovely fairytale, but it’s looking upon the issue with rose-tinted glasses. 

Your road to improvement - no matter how large or small - comes with peaks and troughs. 

Lets take an example; building muscle. 

Most lads (aged 18-30) will initiate the idea of going to the gym in the hope that they can ‘get hench/swole/big/etc’. The concept usually derives from some minor ribbing off their friends, or even glancing at the cover of one of the popular fitness magazines. They see, they want, they ‘commit’. 

Fast-forward 3-6 months… 

The majority of our fledgling Mr Olympias have hung up their lifting belts, and slumped right back into their old habits - but why?

These guys saw what they wanted and assumed it was an upward trajectory from the second they walked onto the gym floor. They thought that all they had to do was pick up heavy shit like the rest of the meathead bodybuilders, and they’d be big in no time. 

Well, weren’t they disappointed. 

Their intentions were positive, but their expectations were not. The men you see on the front of those magazines have spent the majority of their time on this earth living the fitness model lifestyle. 

They spend 2-3 hours in the gym, 7 days a week. 

They eat a ridiculously low amount, regardless of the time of year.

They skip out on enjoying social occasions and birthdays, fearing their body will turn to mush overnight. 

These guys commit; 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year to get that physique, and you were expecting to smash it out in 3 months? 

So expectations were high, surely as humans we have the capabilities to realign our forecast with reality, and continue to progress regardless? 

Possibly, but unlikely. 

Imagine jumping on a bronco whilst under the impression that it enjoys being ridden, and inevitably (at least to everyone else) being launched 6ft into the air and crashing to the ground. Would you re-saddle without question?

So, now we’ve crashed back down to earth, with our expectations looking like they’ve gone through the set of Honey I Shrunk The Kids, how about we tackle the whys?

Let’s go back to our previous example; why can’t any old person just walk into the gym, pick stuff up and eventually gain muscle?

They can, with emphasis on the word ‘eventually’.

Most believe that if your form is correct and you lift ‘heavy’ weight frequently, you’ll achieve your goal. Even though this belief has the basics covered, there’s a whole world of variables that are left in the cold. Namely; protein intake, sleep, nutrition, stress, anxiety, individual pain threshold, individual perceived levels of exertion, water intake, illness, diseases, age of individual, hormonal imbalance, injuries, handicaps, calorie intake, etc. Some of these things we can control, others not so much. 

These factors vary and fluctuate from day-to-day, hour-to-hour and minute-to-minute. It all boils down to something I like to call, indirect variability. 

How on earth could our gradient of improvement remain stable, when all these inconsistencies are at play? 

In fact, I would go as far as to call it a miracle if you managed to go 6 weeks with consistent improvements, never mind 6 months. 

So instead of entering the world of self-improvement with your eyes shut, start by accepting the unavoidable negatives as par for the course. 

You will have moments where you feel like you’ve regressed.

You will have negative thoughts and emotions about your progress.

You will go to bed some nights feeling like you’ve failed.

You will feel like quitting… a lot.

All of this is part and parcel of self-development and it’s not only normal, it’s inescapable.

Difficult, stressful and mentally draining times, are what help our minds grow, adapt and prosper. Bad days are what put the successes into perspective. They give us a memory to look back on, when we finally achieve what we set out to do. They don’t feel like gifts at the time, but it’s exactly what they are. 

After all; how would we know what a good day was, if that’s all that we lived?