Monday 22 July 2019

You have to be selfish to be selfless


Confused already? I don’t blame you. Since an early age, we’ve been taught that being selfish is a negative trait. Now, I’m not here to say that we should strive to be impulsively selfish regardless of the consequences or circumstances. I’m suggesting that, as with the majority of other behavioural concepts, there is a grey area that we should strive to live within. In fact, not only should we be looking to exist between these two poles, we should be erring on the side of selfishness.

Negative reactions enforce negative connotations

Here’s a hypothetical scenario that will highlight why we find it so difficult to be selfish…

Your recent actions have not only affected you, but the people surrounding you. One of the members of that group takes umbrage with your choices, and reveals their distaste. It may go down like so:

“Why have you said/done that? That is so selfish.” 

How would that make you feel?

I’m guessing a number of negative emotions/thoughts would be begin to surface. These sorts of confrontations tend to lead to conclusions such as:

“Oh no. I’ve done/said something without taking into the consideration how it could effect those around me. What an awful person I am.” 

This is completely normal. You would have to be a complete narcissist to constantly ignore the gripes of those around you, especially when it was your actions that lead them to feel this way. However, reacting in this manner puts a certain expectation on that group’s ability to identify what true selfish behaviour is. This is the grey area I was talking about earlier. 

The selfishness spectrum

Now that you have a grasp on why we find it so difficult to be selfish, let’s delve into the reasoning behind people’s struggle to contextualise the actions of those around them.

The majority of concepts lie on the spectrum. Left is white, right is black with a grey area separates the two. So why when it comes to the topic of selfishness do we think in terms of black and white, instead of the vast area of grey that divides them?

As society’s need for extremist division rises, so do the illusions surrounding the life lessons that invariably impregnate our psyche. In other words, our need to slot people into categories has become so integral to the way we judge others, that people must fall into a category for the situation to be understood. This craving for identifiable viewpoints which we can use to brand one another has generated misconceptions when identifying selfishness in others (or even selflessness, for that matter).

For most of us, the first experience of this happens at a young age. We are taught from as early as we can understand, that sharing things such as; toys, food, games, etc, is the appropriate way to behave. If a child fails to grasp this concept, and acts in an improper and possibly selfish manner, it is seen as the responsibility of the parent to correct the child. This creates the most primitive of correlations in a child’s mind. Not sharing is bad, sharing is good. Or, selfishness is bad, selflessness is good.

The mind of a child would struggle to think in more detail than this, but as adults our brains should be able to delve into the complexities of a situation and judge accordingly, right?

Wrong.

Here is where the generationally recycled life lesson comes back to bite us on the proverbial arse. The concept is forced with such validity, that people are taking these beliefs into adulthood. This wouldn’t be an issue if our brain allowed us to develop these lessons by adding situational context. However, the way we think and therefore judge a situation, tends to be an outcome of the environment in which we spend our time. Meaning, if you spend all your time frantically assigning people into categories during your day-to-day life, how could you begin to add rational context to your thought process?

Try this on for size. 

Your sibling has dinner plans with their partner, but has run into trouble as their normal babysitter has cancelled due to ill health. You are asked if you can look after your siblings children for the night, whilst your sibling and their partner go out for the meal. You have prior commitments with a friend, and therefore cannot help.

If your sibling was to react without rational thought, they would deem you as selfish and uncharitable in their time of need. However applying context to the situation allows the sibling to realise that it isn’t your fault that this situation has arisen, and that you probably would have helped if you hadn’t already made plans.

This example highlights the need to alter our own mindset, rather than blaming our deficiencies on the society we have created. Adding context to situations based on the facts that we are presented with, should be something that we actively pursue. After all, this constant pigeon holing isn’t just preventing you from growing into a fully functioning adult who is able to rationalise, it is cultivating a society in which people are marginalised for being ‘different’.

The selfishness paradox

After gaining an understanding for our reasons for avoiding selfishness and our abilities to judge situations based on their nuances, we have arrived at the epicentre of the problem. The belief we have established is that selfishness is do things to benefit oneself. Whilst selfless people do things to benefit others. The truth is slightly different. 

To be truly selfless you must possess the capabilities to be able to have a positive impact on a person’s life. These capabilities will include things like; energy, experience and positivity itself. For example, if someone is struggling to be consistently positive, it is unlikely that a downbeat relative would be of any assistance.

As I spoke about on a previous post, relieving your mind of it’s own issues is paramount to a clear and positive mindset (an essential aspect of selflessness). The byproducts of this mindset (knowledge, experience and time), provide you with a foundation to be able to help those around you to the best of your ability. Meaning not only is putting your needs before others going to help YOU in the long run, it will allow you to be in a position to help OTHERS. 

If you are your number one priority in life, the people directly surrounding you will feel the benefits from that. This comes as a consequence of your happiness. If you are happy, positive and able to help, you will find that the attitudes of the people surrounding you will follow suit. 

The majority of people follow the example set by others, especially when it seems like that person has got their shit together. This kind of person (successful, mentally and physically healthy, fun to be around and most importantly happy) will have made choices in their life that society would deem ‘selfish’. This is exactly why selfishness isn’t inherently a negative trait to hold. In fact it’s possibly the most integral trait one could hold.

Your success is predicated on your ability to be selfish in key moments. Your happiness is dependent on how you find the answers to your own problems and needs before assisting others. You can’t be happy without being selfish, and you can’t be selfless without being selfish. 

So, the next time your actions are deemed to be selfish, ask yourself:
  • Does this person understand that putting myself first will invariably allow me to help others?
  • Is this person applying context to the situation and judging my actions accordingly?


If both or either of these questions result in a no, I wouldn’t waste your time worrying about the outcome. To be selfish is a positive step toward being exactly the type of person you want to be, you just have to take it. After all, as you’ve continuously heard from flight attendants all around the world;

"Only when you have secured your own mask, should you attend to children or other passengers.”

No comments:

Post a Comment